Social Emotional Learning Starts Small

And Grows With Every Stage of Childhood

The five key learning goals of Social and Emotional Learning (SEL) are:

💡 Self-awareness

💡 Self-management

💡 Social awareness

💡 Relationship skills

💡 Responsible decision-making

Educators and parents often ask me, “Which one is the most important?”

My answer? They’re all important, but their priority shifts with age. Different developmental stages require different emphases. So while we try to nurture all five goals, the focus changes over time.

When They're Little: Start With Feelings

With young kids, it all begins with understanding emotions. Specifically: Can they name how they feel? Can they tell when they’re sad, excited, or frustrated?

When my daughter was little, I used picture books to teach her about emotions. One day, she surprised me by saying she felt jealous of a classmate. I was thrilled. Not because she felt that way—but because she could name it. She had taken a big step in emotional literacy.

But not everyone saw it that way.

Someone once “corrected” me, saying jealousy was a negative emotion and that she and her child had never experienced it because they were “abundant.” (Wow.)

Let’s be honest, this kind of thinking can be harmful. Labeling emotions as “bad” doesn’t help children accept themselves. Suppressing or ignoring difficult feelings doesn’t make them go away. It just hides them. Real growth comes when we allow emotions to be seen and talked about safely. Emotional awareness begins with naming feelings without shame.

Emotional Growth Isn’t Always Center Stage, And That’s Okay

As my daughter grew more emotionally aware, I saw those moments, when she could name and describe her feelings as milestones worth celebrating. Naming how we feel is no small thing. It’s a sign of growth.

But here’s something just as important: we don’t need to make a big deal out of emotions all the time.

Emotions exist in a social context, it’s not always just my emotions, or your emotions. It’s a shared interaction. We are constantly navigating how our feelings interact with those of others.

Sometimes, it’s not about diving into every feeling in the moment. Instead, we need to learn how much to say, when to share, and when to pause. That kind of awareness, recognizing the timing and intensity of emotional expression, is a more complex skill that takes time, modeling, and repeated practice.

So yes, while a young child learning to say, “I feel jealous” is a victory, learning to regulate when and how to talk about feelings is a deeper layer. One that shouldn’t be rushed.

When Emotions Are High: Self-Regulation Matters

Not everyone will understand your parenting, or your child’s emotions, and that’s okay.

When that same online commenter criticized me, I didn’t argue. I didn’t explain. I logged off. Why? Because I used a key SEL skill: self-regulation. I chose to step away, calm myself, and return to a more positive space. That, too, is something our kids need to learn. Especially now.

I shared this during a recent interview about digital life and bullying. My research shows that kids who are better at emotional regulation also seem to have better emotional immunity when facing online cruelty. We can’t completely shield them from mean comments, but we can teach them that they get to choose how to respond.

It’s not about pretending the internet is safe. It’s about building the internal strength to navigate it.

Build Responsibility Through Everyday Routines

At every age, kids benefit from learning how to take responsibility—and that includes learning from mistakes.

Sometimes, I see parents jumping in to shield their child from teacher expectations. For example:

A teacher gives an assignment. A parent emails to negotiate or explain. In some cases, they even ask the teacher to back off.

But that’s not support. That’s taking away the opportunity for the child to grow.

Building responsibility includes small, daily routines like: Writing down reminders, packing their own bag, and remembering deadlines.

And yes, they’ll forget. That’s okay. Missing homework or leaving lunch at home creates natural, meaningful consequences.

Responsibility doesn’t come from lectures. It grows through consistent expectations, trust, and experience.

So, What’s the Most Important SEL Skill?

Well, at five, it might be recognizing jealousy.

At ten, it might be managing frustration after losing a game.

At twelve, it might be standing up for a friend.

At fourteen, it might be deciding to log off when emotions run high.

The skill shifts, but the growth continues.

Let’s raise kids who are comfortable with emotions, who can handle discomfort, and who act with kindness and accountability even when no one’s watching.

And let’s be the adults who trust the process, one small step at a time.